Cheers and Fears (Now what?)

Finally, I was able to open the edited file of Book #1. The editing suggestions were concise and minor. Truth be told, much less than I expected and dreaded. Once I started accepting and making the final edits, I realized I wasn't dreading the effort or the degree, but the actual completion of the book. Huh! What's up with that?

The whole point of writing a book is finishing it and publishing it, right? After all, I want to "write books and make a living doing the same." To write books means to actually FINISH the books (drafting, putting in, revising, editing, and publishing). Yet, now that Book #1 is nearly finished, fear and panic has set in.

Instead of, "The book is finished, whoot!," I am experiencing "No way can this book be finished!"

I think due to ingrained beliefs, "finished" in this instance translates into "not good enough." Not good enough is one of those handed-down messages that I have carried internally since early childhood. The understanding that I as a person was not good enough or that anything I did or tried to accomplish was never good enough or no matter the effort, time, and caring would ever be good enough, seeped in, stuck, and has fought against me my entire life.

Author Dean Wesley Smith's recent blog comment states, "Just keep going back and writing more words. Even if you think they suck, which I am 100% convinced every word I write does." So, I suppose this sort of belief is fairly common among writers. At least, I'm in good company. ;-)

As I have done many times before, despite self-doubts and facing a not-good-enough scenario, I keep on keeping on. Today, I will finish the edits, do a final read through, and return to the editor for one last review. THEN the book is ready for formatting for publication (Yikes and Yippee!).

One step at a time. One day at a time. You can actually write a book that way. Despite not feeling or thinking you or your writing is good enough. Because if this good-enough writer gal can do it, anyone can. Honest!

Trick or Treat? (My Edits Are Back!)

The edited file of Book #1 sits in an email as an attachment. The email came in early morning. My first reaction was a gut-punch thrill (It's here. I'm finally to the real-live THE END phase. OMG!) then panic pounded in my chest like a jackhammer. An hour later, I still can't bring myself to open the file...

The Editor's note mentions minor grammatical edits and a few confusing sentences that need to be clarified.

But what's REALLY in that file? I wonder...

This time of year, you never know what goblins might lurk around the next corner. Now, I know the Editor is an awesome editor, professional and forthright, but still.

What if there are pages and pages of markups? What if every page has so many markups they look like spiderwebs? What if I don't "get" now to fix the edits? What if I'm not up to the task? When I look at the webbed pages, will I spaz out? Go into full-blown panic attack mode. Not being able to breathe, unable to explain that I've been attacked by the goblins in an electronic file. If I open it, and even after the Editor's most awesome effort, the words don't pop?

Okay, apparently self-doubt is the goblin in question. From what I understand, Doubt is the most insidious of the gremlins out to undermine writerly joy.

Maybe I'll download the file first. Not open it. When I do, I'll peek, one eye shut, like out from under the covers when things go bump in the night. Or when there's a knock on the door (email in the box), and my hand hovers over the doorknob (finger over the mouse button). I sip air, then forget to breathe. My hand trembles. I turn the knob (click open).

I suck in mouthful of air. Panic grips my chest.

It's time...

Trick or Treat?