Cheers and Fears (Now what?)

Finally, I was able to open the edited file of Book #1. The editing suggestions were concise and minor. Truth be told, much less than I expected and dreaded. Once I started accepting and making the final edits, I realized I wasn't dreading the effort or the degree, but the actual completion of the book. Huh! What's up with that?

The whole point of writing a book is finishing it and publishing it, right? After all, I want to "write books and make a living doing the same." To write books means to actually FINISH the books (drafting, putting in, revising, editing, and publishing). Yet, now that Book #1 is nearly finished, fear and panic has set in.

Instead of, "The book is finished, whoot!," I am experiencing "No way can this book be finished!"

I think due to ingrained beliefs, "finished" in this instance translates into "not good enough." Not good enough is one of those handed-down messages that I have carried internally since early childhood. The understanding that I as a person was not good enough or that anything I did or tried to accomplish was never good enough or no matter the effort, time, and caring would ever be good enough, seeped in, stuck, and has fought against me my entire life.

Author Dean Wesley Smith's recent blog comment states, "Just keep going back and writing more words. Even if you think they suck, which I am 100% convinced every word I write does." So, I suppose this sort of belief is fairly common among writers. At least, I'm in good company. ;-)

As I have done many times before, despite self-doubts and facing a not-good-enough scenario, I keep on keeping on. Today, I will finish the edits, do a final read through, and return to the editor for one last review. THEN the book is ready for formatting for publication (Yikes and Yippee!).

One step at a time. One day at a time. You can actually write a book that way. Despite not feeling or thinking you or your writing is good enough. Because if this good-enough writer gal can do it, anyone can. Honest!

When Fear Steps Out of the Shadows - More Woo-Woo Stuff

I'm close to finishing Project B, my novel. (There are five to ten scenes left to be written. Five for sure to the ending of the book, then a few more scenes to be written once I go back and review the earlier scene layout and order.)

Sure, I'm excited. Thrilled. (I can hear the anticipation of those "Whoots" gearing up in my imagination.)

I've written a book before. Years ago, and it took me years upon years to write it. I had been editing the book, but set it aside to finish two current projects, which I think have stronger and broader reader appeal.

As I'm nearing the end of the book, in addition to feeling positive , I notice a panicky kind of fear building and spreading inside me.

Previously, I blogged about Talking to da Fear. That process helped me to deal with my uncertainties and to work with my fear, because like it or not those fear are a part of me, and dive into writing.

On The Fluent Self blog,  Havi Brooks shares information to be used when "you need some destuckification." Havi's post, You don't have to face your fear. Really. has worked well for me.

So, here goes, using Havi's technique, is early morning conversation with my fear.

Alexa's Fear: Now, look what you've done! The book is almost finished.

Alexa: Yes. That's something to be happy about, but you sound panicked and worried. It's difficult for me to focus when I feel so jittery and restless and scared inside.

I realize you're here to protect me, and even if I ignore you or try to bury you or chase you away, I know you'll return. You're here, for now because I'm allowing you to be, so let's talk about why you're here and what important things you have to to tell me.

Fear: Don't patronize me. If you finish the book, and even that's a big IF, you know it's not going to be good enough.

Alexa: It's a first draft, so there's still lots of work to be done.

Fear: How could you make yourself a target like that? Why would you make yourself vulnerable to criticism and judgement and ridicule.

Alexa: Wow, I can see you're really worked up. You really care about me because you are trying to protect me and shelter me.

Fear: You're such a private person, how could you leave part of you on the page like that?

Alexa: Every writer reveals or leaves a part of his or herself in their writing. That's what writers do, no matter what sort of characters they write about.

Fear: I want to keep you safe. I'm trying to save you from yourself, from keeping you from making a fool out of yourself.

Alexa: I understand and I appreciate that. How about I promise to have my writing edited and reviewed, and try not to look foolish on purpose. 

Fear: That doesn't mean you won't. BUT maybe those things will help.

Alexa: I appreciate you, and try not to appear too foolish and hope that you can express yourself in ways that aren't so discomforting or harmful to me our my goals.

Fear: Okay. Fine. I'm creeping back into the shadows now. It's way past time for my nap.

I highly recommend Havi Brook's Tools, such as her Emergency Calming Techniques, The Procrastination Dissolve-o-Matic, and Monster Manual and Coloring Book.

Talking to da Fear - Woo-Woo Stuff and Getting the Book Out!

Years. I wasted years of trying to write by attempting to face my fear and to overcome my fear of writing a book. Fear fought back with a vengeance and won almost each and every time. It's a wonder I ever got any writing out of my head and onto paper or into a file.

Author Cathy Yardley introduced me to the concept of meeting and talking to my fear. (Please visit the The Fluent Self blog for a detailed description.)

Okay, I have to admit that talking to my fear as if it were someone was a little woo-woo out there for me; however, in choosing to do so, I'm now able to get these darn books out of my head. Bottom line, the process worked, so who cares if it's woo-woo or out there or both. Who knew? (Well, Cathy did and the folks at The Fluent Self did, so I am eternally grateful that they chose to share that knowledge.)

Since my fear involves writing, I wrote a conversation between my fear and me. (Once I got past the woo-woo factor, the process actually made sense.)

Understanding that my fear is a part of me and that it's doing its darndest to protect me helped me to realize that attacking the fear was like attacking myself. My goal was to work with the fear, not against the fear. (Novel concept, huh?)

My written conversation with my fear went something like this:

Alexa: "Fear, what exactly are you afraid of?"

Alexa's Fear: "I'm afraid of letting go. If I let go, people will judge you and you'll get hurt. If you step outside your comfort zone, you'll get sick, get hurt, get in trouble, be out of control, look stupid, won't be good enough, make a fool out of yourself, etc. These are the things I'm trying to protect you from."

Alexa: "What will happen if I write?"

Alexa's Fear: "If you write, you will expose yourself to scrutiny and to failure. If you write, you will reveal secrets that are best left buried. You'll feel things better not experienced. Secrets are to be kept, feelings are NOT to be felt."

Alexa: "When secrets are revealed, the revelation robs the secrets of their power, then I will no longer be caught in the web secrets create. I know you're trying to help me and take care of me, but what if I give myself permission to write crap and that for the first draft, I don't have to be good? What if I focus on writing scene by scene? What if I only allow myself to feel, one scene at a time?"

Alexa's Fear: "I'm not so sure about this, but as long as we discuss what you're doing along the way, I'm willing to give it a try."

This "woo-woo" approach worked for me. Like gangbusters. Like nothing else has thus far. Instead of working against me, for the first time in my life, my fear and I are working together toward the same goal. Such a simple, yet life changing approach.

As I go along, I'm sure Fear and I will sit down and have further conversations and negotiations.

So, why not give it a try? What if it actually is that simple? Talk to da fear and get that book out!