Climbing Out of the Box

Years of excessive overtime: Was I working in to avoid feeling, or did I not feel because I worked such extended hours? Even during the death of my parents, two years apart, I experienced a surreal numbness that contained grief, yet left me with bottled-up emotions I did not deal with or experience.

During the past five months, as I've transitioned to writing full time, my emotional and physical healing from over-taxing myself for so long has been slow and yet extreme.

Amazingly, I have discovered that I feel.

Buried grief has surfaced. I have mourned, more deeply and severely, the death of my parents. I have also rediscovered intense anger toward those so-called family members that used and mistreated my parents in their latter years of life.

Social network postings bemoaning and whining about not being given second chances have caused me to realize that after a hundred second chances, when someone doesn't change and hasn't matured, more than likely they never will.

Letting go of such an intense emotional investment has been much easier than I could have imagined.

My feelings and caring are best experienced in situations and with people able to accept and receive such caring, with appreciation, and possibly reciprocation, although the latter is not a requirement.

My emotional rawness is bringing the emotional content of my writing to life. I've heard it said many times that a writer's job is to make the reader feel. I have to ask myself, how can a writer make a reader feel when that writer is not fully capable of fully experiencing their own emotions? An honest, hard-truth answer is that he or she can't.

My current story makes me cry--not the quality of writing, thankfully--and laugh, expect, fear, etc., all because my experiencing those emotions translates into my writing.

In the coming year, I will welcome readers' emotional connection to my characters and reader participation in my books, series, and stories now that I have climbed out of my self-constructed box.